Advice for Caregivers when your role has ended

We are getting some inquiries from individuals who have been the primary care givers to their elderly parents who have recently died. Their emails were seeking advice on how they can get on with their lives once their identity as a caregiver is gone? You may be getting the same inquiries from friends or family members.  What they are feeling can be more than the grief of losing a parent. When someone has spent years being a caregiver, caregiving can become a central part of their identity, daily routine, relationships, and sense of purpose. Often a caregiver’s whole life can be centered on that role.

We would encourage them to think of their next chapter not as "getting over it," but as building an identity beyond caregiving.  We offered our advice: "You've spent a tremendous amount of your life taking care of your parents. That was an important part of who you were, but it wasn't all of who you are. Your job as their caregiver is finished, but the qualities that made you a good caregiver—your compassion, responsibility, patience, loyalty and ability to make a difference—are still yours.”

You don't have to figure out your whole life right now. Give yourself permission to grieve and to feel lost. But eventually, start asking a different question: What do I want my life to be now? What do I need and want for myself?" Don't rush to "move on." The first months may feel strangely empty. You may even feel guilty when you enjoy yourself. That's common after a long caregiving period. 

Re-establish a daily structure.  Caregiving often dictates when you get up, eat, shop, make appointments, make phone calls, etc. Suddenly there's no external structure. Even something as simple as having breakfast at a regular time, exercising, going out for lunch, and having one planned activity each day can help.

Reconnect with the person you were before caregiving. This is particularly important. Ask yourself: What did you enjoy before your parents needed you? Who were your friends?  What did you used to be curious about?  Was there something you always wanted to learn? What did you imagine doing with your life? Recognize that the old "self" isn't gone—it has simply been dormant.

Instead, pursue things where you are the beneficiary: travel, classes, exercise, art, music, friendships, hobbies, reading, volunteering, etc.  Experiment with activities rather than make big decisions.  You don’t need a five-year plan. Try two or three activities over the next few months that you wouldn't ordinarily do.  The act of exploring can often be beneficial.

If the emptiness that comes with loss becomes overwhelming or you remain unable to function for a prolonged period, a grief counselor or bereavement group can be particularly useful. Losing both parents after years of caregiving is a major life transition, and she doesn't have to navigate it alone.

 

 

 

Conquering the Disease of Boredom 

We are getting an increased number of emails from our readers about boredom in retirement. Many find that after a few months of retirement things begin to change.  One reader summed it up by saying, “I couldn’t wait to retire. I’m three months into it and I’ve done all the things I wanted to do.  I get up in the morning, look out the window, and ask myself what now?”  The thrill of not having a demanding work schedule, a difficult commute, demanding clients, or a challenging boss can wear off quickly and lead to boredom.

Books have been written about boredom. One we recently heard about is The Disease of Boredom: From Ancient Philosophy to Modern Psychology by Josefa Ros Velasco.  It is a deep dive into an age-old condition. Without interests or purpose, life in retirement or at any stage, can be oppressive and soul-killing.  

Boredom in retirement is not simply having nothing to do. In the extreme, some say it is like having a disease without an antidote.  The good news is that boredom is not inevitable. It can be overcome by creating a new sense of purpose and building a fulfilling daily routine. One of the most effective ways to stay engaged is to pursue a hobby or an interest. Gardening, painting, photography, woodworking, traveling with a theme, cooking, or learning a musical instrument can provide enjoyment and a sense of achievement.

Lifelong learning is another excellent option. Many retirees take classes, learn a new language, or develop computer skills, keeping both the mind active and curiosity alive. The Osher Lifelong Learning (OLLI) programs are filled with opportunities to learn new things, meet new people, and become UNbored.

Joining clubs, volunteering, attending community events, or spending more time with family and friends can help. Volunteering offers the satisfaction of helping others while maintaining a sense of purpose and belonging.  For some getting back on a schedule of volunteering will help eradicate rudderless boredom.

Physical activity is equally important. Walking, swimming, yoga, or participating in fitness classes not only improve health but also boost mood and energy levels. Exercise can make each day feel more productive and enjoyable.  Yes, you can meet people at the gym, on the trail, or simply walking in the park. But don’t just keep doing the same thing week after week.  Try new experiences.

Retirement is supposed to be a reward not a punishment.  A lot of bored retirees turn to drinking and eating. They are not a replacement for purpose. That is why we think REWIRING is so important. Consider it an antidote to boredom.

 

 

How do I make new friends?

                             

The importance of having friends in retirement can’t be overstated. They are the ballast that keeps life centered. They are the people that help us enjoy good times and make sad times bearable.  That’s true no matter how old you are.  

Making close friends after retirement is possible, but it usually happens differently than it did when you were working. When we're younger, friendships often grow because we're forced to see the same people every day. In retirement, you must create those repeated opportunities yourself. The goal isn't to meet hundreds of people. It's to find two or three people with whom you genuinely enjoy spending time.

Remember that close friendships take time. Research suggests that moving from acquaintance to close friendship often takes over 200 hours of shared time spread over months. That can feel slow, but it's normal. It takes as much time annually to keep those friendships active. The key is consistency rather than intensity.

Become a "regular." Friendships grow from repeated contact. Instead of trying a different activity every week, choose one or two and attend consistently. Some of our reader’s recommended the following activities to meet new people: art museum lectures; symphony or chamber music concerts; university lifelong-learning programs; book discussion groups; church discussion groups; car clubs; the gym. After you've seen the same people four or five times, conversations become natural.

Many people wait for invitations that never come. If you enjoy talking with someone, say something simple like: "I've enjoyed talking with you. Would you like to get coffee next week?" Most people are surprisingly receptive because they're looking for friendships, too. Psychologists call this the "mere exposure effect." Familiarity builds comfort. Aim to see the same people every week rather than every month. Weekly contact is much more likely to turn an acquaintance into a friend.

Volunteer programs are another place to look. Working alongside someone creates stronger bonds than simply sitting next to them in a program. Examples of these activities include museum docent programs; hospital volunteer programs; literacy tutoring; historical museums; botanical gardens; community theaters. Shared purpose gives you something to talk about immediately.

It sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it.  REWIRING your life takes time. The reward is worth it. Just ask anyone who has made a new friend. 

My Bucket List is Complete. What's Next?

We have been getting a lot of emails from readers who have finished their bucket list. Finishing a bucket list can feel surprisingly different from what people expect. Some readers feel excited and proud. Others feel a sense of "I'm lost?" They have been working toward those goals for so long they have forgotten that a bucket list is dynamic. You can be adding to it as you go along. When one item is complete add another one.  The goal is to keep learning, experiencing and doing.  REWIRING yourself goes hand in hand with REWIRING your bucket list.

Your interests, values, and circumstances change over time. A list you make at 60 may look very different from one you made at 50.  Try going deeper instead of broader. Rather than collecting new experiences, you might choose to master a skill, build lasting relationships, or contribute to a cause you care about.

Successful retirees report that once their bucket list was complete they shifted from achievement to enjoyment. You may find satisfaction in everyday experiences that don't need to be checked off a list—reading, gardening, spending time with loved ones, or simply appreciating where you are.

Many of our readers said that once they achieved their goals they began to help others reach their goals. Mentoring, teaching, volunteering, or sharing what you've learned. A great sense of satisfaction helping others is a wonderful reward in itself.

Looking back at your completed list can reveal patterns. Maybe what brought you the most joy wasn't the biggest adventure but the people you met or the challenges you overcame.  Set a different kind of goal. Instead of "visit 50 countries," you might focus on ongoing intentions, such as "be a better listener," "stay curious," or "learn something new every month." These don't really have an endpoint.  

In a broader sense, a bucket list is just one way of giving direction to life. Once it's complete, you don't have to replace it with another checklist. You can let curiosity, relationships, creativity, or service guide what comes next.  Sometimes people discover that the most meaningful part wasn't finishing the list—it was the person they became while working through it. The completion of one chapter simply creates room for another.  

So keep REWIRING! Keep learning! Keep enjoying!

Go Ahead, Have Fun!

The happiest retirees are often those who approach retirement not as an ending, but as a new stage of exploration. Fun and laughter in retirement does not come from withdrawing from life. It comes from REWIRING: staying curious, connected, active, and open to experiences that work and responsibility once left little time to enjoy.

Retirement has long been portrayed as a quiet life of golf courses, volunteer committees, and afternoons spent in front of the television (UGH!). While those activities may suit some people, retirement today can be something far richer and more exciting and having fun is more important than ever. 

One of the greatest pleasures of retirement is the freedom to rediscover interests that were pushed aside during working years. Many people return to painting, writing, photography, music, woodworking, or gardening. Others finally take classes they never had time for, from history and literature to cooking and foreign languages. Learning keeps the mind active and gives each week a sense of purpose and anticipation. Yes, learning can be fun.

Travel also changes in retirement. Without rushed vacation schedules, retirees can travel slowly and deeply. A month in France, a train trip through the American West, or exploring small historic towns can be more rewarding than hurried sightseeing. Try going to neighborhood places to eat and drink.  Engaging with residents can often lead to laughter.

Visiting museums, attending lectures, discovering nearby parks, or trying new restaurants can make ordinary weeks feel fresh and engaging. Lectures? Fun?  Not so much the lecture, but the discussion afterward over a cup of coffee can lead to fun and laughter. 

Friendship becomes especially important in retirement. Many people lose daily social contact when they leave work, but retirement can expand social life. Joining discussion groups, theater clubs, walking groups, lifelong learning programs, or community music organizations introduces people to others who share similar interests. Conversation, laughter, and shared experiences often matter more than expensive entertainment. 

Physical activity is another key to having fun in retirement, Walking, swimming, yoga, tai chi, dancing, or light strength training can improve energy and mobility while remaining enjoyable. Activities that combine movement and social interaction are especially valuable because they support both physical and emotional health. Find places and people where you can laugh and joke and look forward to going back for more.

 

 

 

What’s good about getting older? Wisdom!

We recently ran into an old friend who we haven’t seen in quite a while.  He was lamenting getting older and slowing down. Then he started talking about the positive side of aging. We’ll paraphrase his comment: “Getting older—especially when you’re retired—can bring some meaningful upsides once you look at things objectively. It’s not all slowing down. I find this stage surprisingly rewarding in ways I didn’t expect.”  He went on to highlight a few reasons that we think are well worth sharing.

Many of us now have freedom over our time. We’re no longer tied to a work schedule, deadlines, or office politics. We can structure our day exactly how we want—sleep in, travel off-season, or just enjoy a slow morning without pressure.  Along with that may come less stress. For many of us retirement reduces the constant background stress of work, commuting, and career concerns. That alone can improve both our mental and physical health.

We finally can focus on what matters to us personally. We have time for things that were always pushed aside—family, hobbies, reading, learning, volunteering, or even starting something new. We can develop deeper relationships with those we care about. Without work competing for our attention, we can invest more time in friendships, our partners, children, and even grandchildren. Conversations tend to be more meaningful, too.  We can go deeper and explore relationships and learn along the way.

Aging can alter perspective and build confidence in our thoughts and actions. We can get a clearer sense of what matters—and what doesn’t. We’re often less concerned with impressing others and more comfortable being ourselves. It's called WISDOM.

We can REWIRE many facets of our lives. Many people take up new hobbies (painting, golf, music); do part-time or passion-driven work; travel more; and volunteer or mentor others. Focusing on our drivers as we select new activities and pursuits can lead to a huge sense of fulfillment.

A lot of retirees say they appreciate everyday moments more—coffee in the morning, a walk, a good book—because life is less rushed. Many of us will have responsibilities and caregiving roles that can be consuming. But remember, finding time for self is important to a healthy and rewarding REWIRED life. Save some time for yourself.  Aging isn’t all bad after all.

Fighting Loneliness in Retirement: Connection is the New Currency

Recently, we received this email from a reader.  We have gotten hundreds of emails just like it: “I couldn’t wait to retire. Now that I’m retired, I miss work. I gained freedom and lost my work friends, my social network, and a reason to get up every morning. What can I do to stop this sense of loss?” It’s a familiar refrain. Loneliness can be devastating or galvanizing. The galvanizing antidote is REWIRING! 

Retirement is often portrayed as a time of freedom, leisure, and adventure—but for many, it can also bring an unexpected companion: loneliness. When the daily structure of work disappears, social circles shrink, and friends or partners may move away, it’s easy to feel isolated. It can also negatively affect your health. There is a lot of information lately coming from psychologists and neurologists highlighting the need for social engagement. The good news is that loneliness doesn’t have to define your retirement—it can be reversed with intention, creativity, and connection. 

The first step is acknowledging the challenge. Loneliness is not a personal failing; it’s a natural response to life transitions. Understanding that it’s common among retirees can help you approach it with compassion rather than guilt. Remember, you are not alone. 

Next, look for opportunities to maintain and expand your social network. Retirement communities, local clubs, and volunteer organizations provide built-in social structures where friendships and acquaintanceships can flourish. Even small gestures, like attending a weekly class, joining a book club, or participating in community events, can build meaningful connections over time. It often just takes showing up and smiling at someone.

Technology can also be a powerful ally. Video calls, social media, and messaging apps help retirees stay connected with family and friends near and far. Don’t shy away from online interest groups or virtual classes; they are often a gateway to real-world meetups and long-lasting friendships.  Leveraging technology can open vital avenues to others.

Another key strategy is cultivating purpose. Engaging in volunteer work, mentoring, or hobby-based projects gives you a reason to connect with others while contributing to something bigger than yourself. Shared goals and activities naturally foster relationships, which are the antidote to loneliness. Think about involving your grandchildren in your interests or volunteer activities. You’ll make memories and just might open their eyes to new possibilities, as well.

Finally, remember that quality matters more than quantity. Deep, meaningful conversations with a few trusted friends can be far more rewarding than trying to maintain a large but superficial social circle.  You need a variety of friends: lifelong, new, old and reconnected to, and ones you haven’t met yet.  Be patient with yourself. It takes time and attention.  Eventually, keeping up with others will become a very beneficial habit!

Loneliness may be a common part of retirement, but it doesn’t have to dominate your experience. By taking a few important steps—reaching out, staying engaged, and cultivating purpose—you can transform retirement into one of rich social connection and personal fulfillment. Make a list of where you might meet connect with others. Then start using it.

In retirement, connection is the new currency, and it’s never too late to invest. REWIRE!!